


4 AM

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Cheating, Depression, F/M, Postpartum Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 06:44:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15018944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: When you have nowhere else to turn Jared is there for you





	4 AM

You felt as if there was a hole inside of you. The hole was nothing new. It had been there for days, weeks, months, even the depths of it wasn’t new. You had felt the deep dark nothingness inside, that threatened to swallow you once before and it scared the crap out of you. The feeling of being completely and utterly alone had never been more profound though and this time you knew it was true.

You had been the poor girl in the neighborhood growing up. The girl that everyone felt sorry for because her mom was a drunk and her dad was never around. You had never wanted people’s pity. It had infuriated you. You didn’t want people to feel sorry for you. You wanted them to see past your circumstances and see you. You didn’t want them to only give you the time a day because they felt bad for the girl in the holed shoes and size too small clothes that came from a thrift store.

You had been very young when you had decided you never wanted people to feel sorry for you ever again. You wanted a different life for yourself. You wanted a life, a big house, a husband and kids. You wanted all the things you never had growing up and you had fought tooth and nail to get it.

You had gotten a business school education. You had bought your own clothing line. With the help of your then boyfriend, now husband, you had tried to expand. You had had it all or so you had thought. Right up until the moment your little girl was born and your depression had set in. For weeks you hadn’t left the house. You were sure something was about to go wrong. You were sure you were gonna lose her somehow. That everything around you would hurt her, especially if the weren’t within reach or sight.

Your husband, Jason had never understood you. His family never understood. They got angry with you and told you, you were being irrational and that you needed to get yourself together. Their words had run through your head and you felt the small hole inside of you, you had hid so well since you were a child start to grow. Your mind started telling you that no one cared. No one wanted you around and that your daughter would be better off without you in her life.

You had kissed your sleeping daughter on the forehead and you had gone to your kitchen with tears streaming down your face. You had always been unwanted. You had always been the one people pitied and now they didn’t even do that anymore. Now they were angry with you. They wanted you to be normal and to get over whatever it was inside you that prevented you from being happy.

Pity had come later, when you had returned home from the hospital with bandages around your wrist. They had walked around you like you were a fragile porcelain statue that they could break if they breathed wrong somewhere near it. They excluded you from your own business, the only place you had found peace through all these years. Whenever you tried to design something new, someone swept in pulling your pen and paper from your hands.

Your husband insisted it was all to protect you. To make sure you found your way through this and got better. You had chosen to believe him, which had proven to be the biggest mistake of your life. Well maybe aside from marrying him in the first place. When the bank called telling you they needed your signature for the declaration of bankruptcy Jason had filed for your business. You had been sure they had made a mistake. You were so sure that you after having dropped your daughter off with your mother-in-law, you had went to go see him at his work. Only you had seen a lot more of both him and his secretary than you had expected too. You just stood there. Frozen to the spot as she gathered her clothes and ran from his office. You weren’t sure what you had expected from him. Remorse, apologies. Certainly not the anger and blame that you got.

Yes your store had gone under because you didn’t design new clothes. Yes he had slept with someone else for months because you were no longer the woman he married. Because during your mental health break down you hadn’t catered to his needs. Finally your anger met his and he told you he wanted a divorce. He told you to get out of his life and that you were never going to see your daughter again. He told you, you were poison to her and everyone around you. Confirming everything the voices in your head had told you less than a year ago.

You felt the hole inside you grow and the darkness in your mind take over with every added word. So you had fled. You had fled from his office and your life to come here. You were sitting in a Vancouver airport hotel with your legs pulled up under you, staring at the bottle of pills that could end your pathetic life, with your phone lying next to it.

You thought of him. The only true friend you had ever had. The boy that stayed under the bleachers with you when you were crying. The boy that had held you up every time life had tried to beat you down. The boy that had turned into a man standing before you professing his love for you the day before your wedding to Jason. The man you hadn’t chosen because you had been too scared too. Jason was safe. You had cared for him once but never really loved him. Jared. Jared you had loved so much it hurt. So much it had scared you. You always knew losing Jason would hurt, but losing Jared after allowing him in would break you.

You had lied to Jared that day, telling him you didn’t feel the same and never spoken to him since. That was 5 years ago and now you had flown to another country because you felt he would be your only salvation. Because he would understand. Because you still loved him, even if you didn’t deserve his love. Not anymore and maybe not ever.  

Tears filled your eyes and your closed your arms around your legs, rocking yourself slightly as the phone call replayed over and over in your head again and again.

_“Hello?” his voice had gotten deeper over the years but you still recognized it easily. It still made you feel calm even if you didn’t deserve the comfort his voice brought you. “Is anyone there? Hello?”_

_“Jared…” your voice sounded broken, just like you felt. It had taken every ounce of strength you could muster even getting his name out._

_“Y/N?” He recognized your voice. He didn’t sound angry. Suprised, then worried, but not angry. “Y/N/N what’s wrong? Talk to me sweetheart,” Jared pleaded with you through the phone. Knowing you well enough to know you were breaking from just one word. His name._

_“Jared, I am afraid I might do something… I….” you stuttered and you instantly head a scrambling of keys on the other end of the phone._

_“Y/N/N, I am coming. I will be on the next flight home. Is there someone you can call closer. You can’t be alone right now,” Jared rambled as you heard him clearly leaving his home._

_“You. Jared, I am in Vancouver. Fairmont room 422,” you answered him through your tears._

_“Baby, please don’t do anything before I get there. I am on my way. Please wait for me,” Jared pleaded as you hang up the phone. You didn’t want to lie to him again. You didn’t wanna make him a promise you weren’t sure you could keep. You were going to try though. For him you were going to fight._

You looked up just as you heard three knocks and the door opened wide. You hadn’t locked it, knowing you might not be in a state to open it for him. You saw the fear on his face, turn to relief, before it turned back into worry as he walked towards you.

“Y/N?” Jared sat down on the bed next to you and you started rambling, without meaning too. Without purpose.

“He is taking Rose from me. He is taking my daughter,” you cried and Jared’s arms instantly closed around you and you clung to him as if he was your last lifeline, because he was. He rocked you gently, his arms shielding you from the word. His warm, steady breath against your neck somehow gave you strength. Made the darkness inside you seem less grim and the hole shrink just a little.

“Y/N,” Jared looked at you with worry and care written all over his face, “ **You’re gonna tell me everything**  now and I will help you. Okay?” Jared smiled tenderly, brushing a strand of hair away from your face and you nodded. You told Jared everything that night. You sat on a hotel room bed at four am in the morning with the man you should have chosen five years ago, spilling every last detail of your life that had fallen to pieces. You never saw blame in his eyes, you saw anger directed towards the man you had married over him, but you never saw any hate towards you. You saw care and love.

“Jared, I am so sorry. I was scared. I loved you. I love you. I always have, but I was just so scared of losing you so I…” you cried and Jared instantly wrapped his arms around.

“You chose something you could bare to lose,” Jared spoke understanding you as well as he always had, making you cry even harder.

“But Rose…” you sobbed against his chest and Jared tighten his grip around you.

“You’re not losing your daughter Y/N. I’m here now. I am going to help you get her back,” Jared promised pulling back just enough to look into your eyes, “Y/N/N I love you too. You’re not losing either of us ever.”

You let out a gasp with his words and your mind instantly started racing, telling you how you didn’t deserve him. How you were going to destroy him by loving him, but it was as if Jared had read you mind. He just simply cupped your face in his huge hands, “don’t do that Y/N. Don’t believe the voices. I’m right here. Let me be here with you.”

You nodded, deciding it was time to be strong just like you had always wanted to be. Not by creating a perfect picture for others to look at but by allowing yourself to be loved. By Jared and by Rose. You were getting your family, even if it wasn’t in the way you had imagined. Jared was here and everything was going to be okay. Eventually. As for right now you let the feel of his soft lips pressed against your chase away the darkness in your mind. You let his strong arms protect you from a world to hurt you and you believed in him when he said you were going to hold your daughter in your arms soon. Jared and Rose was going to be your happy ending and you were willing to fight Jason and the voices for it. As long as you got to feel the way you did right now. Loved, safe and almost happy in the arms of the man you had given your heart long ago.


End file.
